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Nick Stevens

An open note to parents of athletes

Published: 2013-09-18 00:55:00
Updated: 2013-09-18 01:15:11

Sep 18, 2013

Football: Scotland County vs. Southern Durham (Sept. 14, 2013)

FAN CAM: Scotland County wins over S. Durham in a 53 - 31 Victory

Parents. I love you. I really do. But sometimes you make things that are supposed to be fun a headache.

I'm talking about parents of athletes.

Don't get me wrong, most parents are a pleasure to work with. They're supportive, they make sure their kids get to practices and games, and they're in the stands to cheer the team on.

But there is at least one parent on every team that bucks that trend. These are the parents I am addressing in my column today.

Here are a few pointers that all parents should read, remember and practice when they have a child playing a team sport.

1. Stop coaching

Believe it or not, your high school coaches are (sort of) paid to coach. You're not. Coaches aren't going to tell you how to parent, so don't tell coaches how to coach.

When a parent is yelling directions from the stands to their kid, it disrupts the kid, which disrupts the team, which makes the coach mad, which gives you the tag of an obnoxious parent. You're not at practice every day, so if the coach wants your child to make a cut to the ball, to run a fade, or to steal second – I promise that coach is going to give your child that instruction.

A kid is brought up being taught to listen to their parents, so when they hear their parent giving one direction and their coach giving another, who do they listen to? The coach has a game plan, let him instruct the kids on how to execute it. Sit back and support the team.

2. Don't coach at home

An extension of No. 1, when you leave a game and you talk to your kid about how their coach should be X, Y and Z, you're undermining your kids trust in his/her coach. Please, for the love of all coaches who have ever coached, don't do that.

It may not happen immediately, but eventually your child is going to start believing what you say, they're going to start resenting the coach, and that doesn't end well for anyone involved – including the team as a whole.

Parents, your job in this situation is to support the coach, encourage your child, and cheer for the team. If you don't like the coach's game plan, turn in your paperwork, get a whistle, and go coach your own team.

3. Coaches coach teams, not kids

This point is easily taken the wrong way, so let me explain. A coach's job is to coach an entire team, your job as a parent is to parent your child. The coach cannot be concerned only about your child, he must be concerned about the team as a whole.

What does that mean? Well, simply put, the coach is going to make decisions based on the best interest of the entire team. That might mean your child, who you believe is a guard, has to play in the post. Or maybe it means your kid will be more of a blocking back than a ball carrier, even though you think he's a 2,000-yard rusher.

And don't take this point to mean coaches don't care about their individual players, because that couldn't be further from the truth. Coaches go out of their way to help kids for little tangible reward.

I can promise you, your kid may not admit it, but they know why they're in the position they're in on their team.

4. Understand, coaches want to win too

"He doesn't even want to win!"

Yes, I heard a parent yell this at a high school football game recently, talking about the head football coach (who, by the way, has won many more games than he has lost).

I work with coaches every day. I am friends with a lot of coaches, I have coached myself. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that coaches want to win at least as bad as the players, and definitely more than the parents.

Coaches spend tons of time working behind the scenes, cutting grass, cleaning floors, washing uniforms, studying film, attending clinics, doing off-season workouts, handling recruiting, learning new schemes, supervising weight room activities, and checking academics, just to name a few things. They don't roll the ball out at practice and games and say, "Let's get it."

All of that time means coaches have a lot invested in their teams. They don't do all of that with the intention of not winning. It doesn't make sense. Who likes cutting grass, cleaning floors and doing laundry? No one.

Similarly, players have a lot invested in their teams, and as a result, they also want to win. If they don't, then they really need to consider whether or not they should be playing a team sport.

5. Realize your kid doesn't change

This is one of my favorite lines.

The child you have to tell ten times to clean his room, wash the dishes, or take out the trash – yep, he's the same kid being coached on the field or court. They don't change.

Coaches, like parents, don't like repeating themselves. But your child doesn't simply step on the playing surface and turn into a robot that follows directions immediately. Nope. They have to be coached – constantly.

6. Cut out the rewards

The only reward your kid should need for his success is a win. Plain and simple.

I cringe when I hear about parents rewarding kids for their performances. Believe it or not, there are parents who give a dollar for a point or a tackle, more money for touchdowns or home runs. Other parents provide other bribes.

My first question? Do you take a dollar away for a turnover, a missed tackle, or a strikeout? I'd be willing to bet the answer is no.

That's beside the point though. When you're playing competitive, amateur sports, you shouldn't need those rewards. Winning should be rewarding enough. Furthermore, when your kid knows he can get more money by scoring more points, do you think that might lead to him playing outside the offense? Do you think he may stop playing team ball? The answer is yes, and that becomes detrimental to your child as an individual and the team as a whole. And then guess what? We're dealing with parents breaking rules No. 1-4.

7. It's not about the scholarship

How many parents of middle school football players do you think I have heard from since Aug. 1? I don't know the answer to that, but I know I have received seven e-mails since Aug. 1, about middle school football players who will be Division-I players in college, at least according to their parents.

That's no exaggeration.

High school sports would be a better place if parents didn't know what the word "scholarship" meant. Most of them actually don't know exactly what the word "scholarship" entails, but hey, that's a different column for a different day.

If your child is good enough and fortunate enough to play at the next level, let it work itself out. Don't put that pressure on your kid where they have to have a college scholarship to be successful – especially in middle school. When parents do that to their kids, the sports become jobs, they're no longer fun, and they're going to get burnt out.

Let me give you a little dose of scholarship reality...

There are 341 colleges playing NCAA Division I men's basketball. Each of these schools has 13 scholarships, which comes out to 4,433 total Division I scholarships. You have to assume about 75 percent of them are already being used by players enrolled in colleges, so that leaves about 1,100 Division I scholarships each year for high school basketball players around the country.

Last year, 538,676 boys played high school basketball at NFHS-member schools. That's only NFHS-member schools, and there are an increasing number of private and charter schools who are not NFHS-member schools, especially in basketball.

In North Carolina alone, 10,618 boys played high school basketball at NFHS-member schools during the 2012-2013 school year.

And we've already established there are only about 1,100 Division I scholarships a year.

I don't care what your AAU coach or some random guy on Twitter says. Do the math.

8. Don't compare

This one might be more geared towards the players than the parents, but it can't hurt to reinforce it with the parents too.

Don't compare your child to another child. If your kid scored 15 points, his career high, who cares that the star point guard on the other team dropped 25? 

The only person you should compare your child to is your child. I ask kids all the time, "Is today's Johnny better than yesterday's Johnny?" That's the only comparison you need to make. If the answer is yes, then Johnny is getting better, and that's all you can ask as a player, coach or parent.

The same can be said for kids on the same team.

9. Who's to blame?

It's really easy to sit in the stands and criticize a coach, or to ride home in the car after a loss and talk about how the team would have won that game with a different coach.

Do coaches make mistakes? Yes they do, just like players, parents, teachers, salesmen, lawyers, doctors, police officers, and anyone else who has ever taken a breath of fresh air. But it is very rare that a coach – by himself – loses a game. In fact, I don't know that it is possible.

Before you dismiss a coach as terrible, or claim that a coach has no idea what he is doing, take a step back and ask yourself, "Is it really the coach?"

Even the best coaches in the world need some sort of talent to win. Coaches are only as good as their kids. 

Wrapping things up

You're a parent. Your job is to love and support your child no matter what. I understand that, coaches understand that, you understand that.

It's important for parents to understand that the simple fact that they are parents can cloud their sense of reality and judgment when it comes to sports.

My best advice? Let coaches coach, support the coach, the team and your child, and let your child have fun.

The best part of high school sports are the lessons learned, things that cannot be taught in a textbook. I'm talking about teamwork, leadership, perseverance. These are skills that help kids become adults, and they're skills that everyone needs in the real world, whether you're playing sports or not.

The likelihood that your child will ever make money playing a sport is extremely minuscule. I hate to rain on your parade (actually, I don't mind), but the percentage of kids that become professional athletes is exponentially smaller than the percentage of kids that earn scholarships – and we've already established how small that is.

Realize that high school sports, middle school sports, and youth sports are supposed to be fun, not a job. When they become a job, kids become burnt out.

But it all goes back to item No. 1. Stop coaching, keep supporting, and let the rest handle itself.

Follow Nick Stevens on Twitter @NickStevensHSOT

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Nick, Nicely done. Thanks for taking the time to write a tough, thoughtful article.
September 26, 2013 11:46 a.m.
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GREAT article!!! I've been around youth , middle school, and high school sports for over 40 years as a player, coach, and parent and this article is right on. SOME parents not all are the problem but the SOME is getting to be a larger percentage! Nick, keep writing because your wisdom is beyond your years!
September 20, 2013 8:45 p.m.
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Nick is a "sport reporter" he watches a game and reports what happen. He is not in the huddle or making the play decisions so he is limited as to why a coach makes a call just like the parents.Don't know if he has walked in the shoes of a sport parent but until he does he is nothing more than a reporter and this article was an opinion and nothing else.
September 20, 2013 7:25 p.m.
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If there are that many good coaches in the stands, please hand out some applications. Also please remember in the heat of battle have a little consideration for the refs as well.
September 18, 2013 10:11 p.m.
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Claytontarheel - maybe your kids were not good enough?
September 18, 2013 9:59 p.m.
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Having been on both sides of this situation, I would agree with most of what you are saying, but you are giving the coaches to much credit. Too many HS coaches are clueless and are only doing the job to make a couple of extra bucks. They are also subject to the political pressures of booster funding. I've seen many a player get more time based on Daddy's money. Coaches are people too and sometimes they need to be called out and held accountable. Bad coaches showing favoritism are why my kids took up golf. The score is the score and that's all that really matters.
September 18, 2013 3:58 p.m.
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You don't need to be a parent, just a human being. Some people just don't think through things with a clear head and good logic and common sense. Nick is too nice to put it that way but he's addressing a big issue in society in terms of entitlement, narcissism, etc.
September 18, 2013 2:22 p.m.
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No...don't see myself... dont even have kids playing sports. I have followed Nick and he does do a good job.. but as a young man... he is held in too high regard and it goes to his head. What Nick speaks is NOT always true or knowledgeable. And the article talks about coaches not wanting to give parent advice... but who is Nick and what are HIS parental credentials to pass this advice along. Nick just needs to come down a couple notches and not play the "high horseman"...
September 18, 2013 1:22 p.m.
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Mr. trianglehoopfan (I am assuming a UNC fan since you know everything) I never once talked to the coach, tried to sideline coach or tell my son how to play football. When he came to me and said he was quitting and gave me the reasons I told him that it was entirely up to him. He had been approached by NCSU recruiters the previous year and needless to say that went down the tubes. My original point was that yes there are mostly excellent coaches but there are many who have no business in charge of young people and their futures.......
September 18, 2013 1:20 p.m.
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I have been on all sides of this equation. I agree 100% with Nick. The best thing a parent can do for their student-athlete is to be their PARENT. I often remind everyone affiliated with the team to know their roles. Each person affiliated with the team can choose only ONE role: 1. Players play; 2. Coaches Coach; 3. Fans Cheer. Pick ONE and stay there!
September 18, 2013 11:47 a.m.
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